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Directed by Declan O’Brien. Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson and Simon Ginty. A small West Virginia town is hosting the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where throngs of costumed party goers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals kills the fun when they trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students. WT5, just in time for…Tuesday? You never see a movie like this on the day it’s released, unless by accident. It just happened to be available, so don’t judge.

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WT5 is a patchwork horror film composed of blood, gore, bizarre kills, nudity, and moronic villains. It sticks to the garden variety horror template, content to gross out instead of tell a story. Seriously though, who watches this kind of movie without a clue as to its raw mediocrity? I hope I haven’t dashed your hopes of this being the next Rosemary’s Baby.

I should add that some of the protagonists are en route to a hippie jam band festival, something I know a thing or two about, so I was mildly entertained to see some patchouli- dabbing, chronic- smoking kids get butchered. I feel pretty confident my street cred is at a new low already, so I might as well confess to enjoying the last WT flick.

It was mindless fare as well, but the movie had a great setting and I loved the snowy ambiance. WT5 believes itself to be a real movie, and that’s where the disconnect is. I hated the cannibal hillbillies this time; I realize you’re supposed to, but I mean hated in the annoying sense.

Please stop giggling while you’re murdering people, it just gets on my nerves. A menacing look or garbled command is all I need, so please STFU. This movie will appeal to some people, so don’t write it off yet. If you’re into not having your legs smashed with sledgehammers, keeping your ears attached and uneaten, avoiding industrial lawnmower accidents – you might be a fan. Strangely out- of- place is Hellraiser‘s Pinhead (or Doug Bradley as he prefers to be called) as the inbred commander- in- chief. Even in this idiotic mountain setting, Bradley sounds a little too regal and talented to be involved. Watch The Red Pony Megavideo.

He calls his murderous oafs “Pinheads”, and I’m sure that was the high point of the flick for me. All things considered, the lamest part of this Tardapalooza was the Sheriff (Camilla Arfwedson), who I hope never “acts” again. She played her part with an ineptitude rare for even this fifth- rate horror runoff. Hey, if you’re at a Halloween party and it’s on – enjoy. If you aren’t a movie reviewer, just pass on this deformed train wreck.

Three deformed inbred thumbs down.

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